My Wedding Dress - Part 1

Hi All!

I apologize in advance for not having any pictures to show you all (of the actual dress) but this post addresses something top secret: my wedding dress.  I'll be sure to post all the details after the event, May 12, 2012.

I went to my first dress shopping experience months ago.  I went in to a well known wedding dress store armed with an appointment and a list of dresses I had found on the internet.  I wanted to try on a little of everything to find what I liked - narrow down the field - and I wanted to do it alone.  I wanted to have the experience of sliding into a wedding dress for the first time alone.  I wanted to reconcile what I had always thought the experience would be like with what it was.  I wanted to face the truth of what my body would look like in one of those beautiful white gowns.  I couldn't imagine facing those things in front of an audience for the first time.

I walked the rows of dresses in my size, selected a few and headed to the dressing room.  I remember sliding into the first dress - my favorite. It was this one:

Click the photo to see the dress in more detail.

The fabric was so soft and the dress was so beautiful. I walked over to the dressing room mirror and looked at my reflection.  I wasn't sure how to feel.  Was that me?  Was this what I thought I'd look like?  Why don't I feel flushed with excitement? 

I felt a little numb.

I blamed the dress for the way I was feeling.  Beautiful dress but just not enough 'wedding' feel for me.  It must not be the right dress for me.  I tried on several other dresses in rapid succession but none of them had that glimmer for me and I continued to feel like my emotional self was growing more and more overwhelmed by the minute.  I shouldn't have come there - and what did I expect to find?  I wasn't like the women who wear those beautiful dresses.  The sense of urgency to get out of the store had started to rattle in the pit of my stomach sending alarms off in my head.  I needed to get out. 

I got dressed and I left the store and never went back again. 

In hindsight, I think the process of preparing for marriage has been a lot like the process of focusing on health in my life.  I've had to change a lot of preconceived notions about myself.  I've uncovered a lot that I never knew was there to uncover.  I come from a very unconventional home with divorce and scattered extended pieces of family somehow fitting together to be "my family".  I had no idea how much where I came from had shaped who I thought I was even so many miles away now.  Did I deserve a wedding dress?  or a wedding?  How could someone so wonderful love me for forever?  And how would I ever look in the mirror at myself in a wedding dress and feel like it fit?

To be continued...